I've been reading all I can lately on Attachment and how we are going to best face fostering and encouraging a strong attachment as soon as possible once we finally have our daughter.
I just found this information on
this site and thought I'd share it.
Recommendations for the First 6 to 9 MonthsThis list of recommendations is based on the collective years of experience of our team of adoption health care specialists and has evolved over time.
*We recommend a low-keyed arrival scene as you return home from your child's country of origin. It is usually best to avoid having a large crowd greet you. Your child should stay in your arms and should not be passed to others.
(The plan: As of right now, we plan on renting a limo to pick us up at the airport when we get home from Vietnam. Sounds extravagent but it is actually for practical reasons... we live 2.5 hrs from the airport... we will be away from our 2 oldest children for 2-3 weeks and will be desperate to see them... we want our immediate family there without them having to make the drive. We figure by renting a limo, we don't have to drive (TIRED) home, we will have our immediate family there with us when we get off the plane and on the drive home, we will get to spend time with all the kids on our drive back home... and we won't have to deal with Toronto traffic, parking, luggage, etc. The only way I see this plan changing is if our flight gets back at an ungodly hour - then we will rent a hotel for the night and drive home instead.)
*Develop daily routines and rituals, and stick to them as much as possible. In keeping mealtimes, bedtimes and playtimes consistent, your child will begin to feel that each day has a predictability and structure to it. This is comforting for the child who is experiencing a period of incredible change and transition from orphanage to adoptive family.
(Note: We are so not 'structured' or 'scheduled' parents. We are go with the flow parents. This will be a big challenge for us but I know it is important and plan on developing routines better in the coming months.)
*We recommend that parents, as much as possible, be the only persons to feed, change, bathe, dress, rock to sleep, or comfort their child. We think it is helpful for your newly adopted child to practice having needs consistently met by you, the parent.
(Note: Now this one is going to be hard. We know our parents and family will want to start loving Baby girl the minute she is home and cuddles is part of how we love. I hope our family will understand that we will be following this as much as possible, for our daughter... not to exclude them. Quite the opposite, it is a small thing we need to do upon uniting with our child -so that she can learn attachment and trust, for future relationships with all our wonderful family members.)
*When extended family members or friends bring gifts for your child, we recommend that you have your child sit with you and that you hand the gift to your child or assist your child in opening the gift. You may want to say something like "Look, Annie. Grandma brought you a present. You may open it now."
In the beginning, you may want to advise relatives and friends ahead of time that they should ask your permission to pick up your child or do an activity with your child. Each time they ask permission, your child is hearing them reference you as the important decision-maker for activities that involve your child. This may provide your child with practice in referencing you before embarking on a new experience.
(Note: Again.... man, that is going to be difficult. I understand the logic and reasoning behind it but I don't want to make family and friends feel strange or guarded when around our daughter.)
*In large group gatherings, like adoption shower parties, let guests know ahead of time that you will be holding your child and that you will not be passing your child around from person to person.
Overall, we advise avoiding large group gatherings during your child's first few months home. A previously institutionalized child does not need trips to Disneyworld or a day of shopping at the mall. What he or she needs more than anything is lots of concentrated one-on-one time with a warm, loving and sensitive parent.
*Spend as much one-on-one time with your child as possible. Your child does not need to be surrounded by lots of toys. In fact, being surrounded by too many toys and an overly stimulating environment may be overwhelming. Instead, choose one or two toys and get down on the floor with your child, and play with the toys in an interactive manner with your child. Use lots of facial expressions and face-to-face gestures like peek-a-boo or rubbing noses together. Watch your child for cues that he or she may be getting overwhelmed or tired, and then switch to a soothing, comforting activity such as rocking your child.
(Note: This part I am so looking forward to. The getting to know each other and the bonding. The building of trust and the comforting ...just loving another child. I worry a bit about our loud house, will it be extremely overwhelming for her... Keaton and Chloe are loud and rowdy and playful at time (that is normal!) & we often joke that we have one of the loudest houses in Canada. We are used to it but how will it affect Baby girl. It is something I've been thinking about and wondering.)
We believe that all of these steps may assist your child in seeing you as the essential "gatekeepers" through which all good things in life come. The goal is to help your child realize that you are the ones to meet his or her needs, to be trusted, and with whom to seek close contact.
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One main thing I get from reading Attachment and Bonding material is that I can not approach parenting Baby girl in the same way I did with Keaton and Chloe. I would be niave to think that a child who has spent her earliest months in an institution/orphanage will come out of the situation unaffected, even if she will be young in age.
With Keaton and Chloe, they were put on my chest and comforted by me shortly after birth. They breastfed and knew that everytime they cried or smiled or laughed or yelled, I would come running. They know to turn to Mom (and Dad of course) for all the things they need in life... and they knew it from the time they were born. They knew me before they were even born, and I felt like I knew them too.
For me, the mom... it will be like teaching an old dog new tricks, I think I'm a good mom to Keaton & Chloe and I've kind of wing'd it up until now. I worry that I won't do things right, or that I won't know when to parent uniquely and when to parent all my children the same. I worry about that more and more the closer we get to a referral. I imagine that is normal, right?
Is it Friday again already? This week I spent some time going through older photos I took in 2003-2005, that are off my computer and filed on disks. I found so many great memories hidden in that storage box of digital photo files.
