I'm not sure why but this week has been hard. I think it is because the kids are back to school (not complaining, honest!) and I have more time to *think* and *worry* and *dwell* and *think some more*. Will this happen? I don't know how to explain how I've been feeling lately - panic and doubt is wreaking havoc on my mind. Maybe because the end of this part of our wait (for referral) is finally just around the corner yet not clearly in sight yet. I have said over and over again, it isn't the wait itself that makes this so hard to endure (month after month after month)... it is the not knowing. Not knowing if the phone ringing might be the news we are waiting on, not knowing if it will come tomorrow or in 2 wks or in 2 months or WHEN? I'm just rambling and typing here, endless thinking and mulling everything over in my head has caused extreme insomnia in me lately. Shaune lays beside me, peacefully sleeping and content to wait and trust that things will work out. I wish I had his personality and confidence... I'd be sleeping better at night just like he is.
The kids ask me daily now about the baby. I think they are starting to think maybe this is something we just talk about - I think they are starting to think this is not something that is REALLY going to ever happen. We have been preparing our hearts and our home for a baby to join us... for over 17 months now. I wish we hadn't had to tell them our plans so soon but because of our homestudy - they have known from the very beginning. They have been more patient than I have been but I know that they would love to have their sister join our family and put all this talk about 'someday' in the past.
Chloe is starting to share alot of anxiety and concern about us going to Vietnam when the time comes. It breaks my heart because I know financially we can not afford to take her and her brother and my mother. It is just so much more - and besides, the kids have school...etc.
I guess I just have a ton on my mind at times. Writing them down, believe it or not HELPS. I know how lucky I am. I tuck 2 beautiful children into bed at night and share a life with my family that is truly blessed. I am a mom and wife and I love the life I have. But... I would love our 3rd child home. I'd love to complete our family and keep living this wonderful life with her a part of it. That is all :)
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